In The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death

In The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death 

© 2012 by Dana Leonardi. All Rights Reserved.

I would like to share my experience of my walk in the valley of the shadow of death. I would suggest you read Psalm 23 to have a better understanding of what I am trying to convey here. This walk was not really a walk because it has lasted for over 2 years as a man measures time. It was more of a camping out than a walk. I shouldn't say camping out as that may imply to some that it was fun. I don’t want to say that I was imprisoned either because I was free to leave the valley at anytime I chose to leave, although I did not choose to enter nor did I enter willingly. I have been in this valley a few times before but I always had made the choice to leave before I saw or knew what this valley was made for. This time was different…very different.

The circumstances that led to this experience are not necessary to explain because that is an external view. If I were to explain these circumstances then you would see from a perspective of someone outside looking in whereas the treasure lies in one seeing this from the inside looking out. There may be some value in the lessons derived from the circumstances and telling you them may even cause one to relate to them or empathize with them and in turn to view me as one to feel sorry for or possibly look up to but this is not my intent any more than seeing the story of the prodigal son as a story about the son. The story should be called the Faithful Father because that is where the true value is. And so it is here. I only relate my experience because I was the one experiencing these things but the purpose is only for one to see the Faithful Father.

This experience started with a door. There always seems to be a door. In my case the door is always the Lord Jesus. He is the door or the gate (John 10:9). This door was the door to enter into my nothingness. Once entered, I would face my greatest fear. A fear so overwhelming that I would do anything to avoid it. I knew that because I faced this same door many times in the past that I would keep being led to it until I entered or even worse, that I may never have the opportunity again to enter in and then lose the gift of the lessons learned once entered. As fear overwhelmed me once again, I knew that I had to open the door and proceed or forever to remain a slave to fear.

Now before one faces a door such as this, you will first spend a great deal of time in green pastures. The Lord will be your Shepherd and you will not want. He will cause you to rest with Him and in Him and you will drink of Him. He is Living Water. He will be your all and you will lack nothing because you need nothing but Him. This is where and how He restores your soul. After this takes place the Shepherd will lead you in paths of righteousness. He is the path. He is the Way. He is righteousness. You follow wherever He leads. He will eventually lead you to the valley of the shadow of death where you will face this same door. I knew this time that my Shepherd had led me to this place. The circumstances were only the vehicle that He used to drive me there. I felt sickened by the fact that I couldn't see that it was Him leading me there in the past. It was only because of the time that I spent with Him in the green pastures that allowed me to hear His voice and follow where He led. Somehow I knew where He was leading me.

I just stood there overwhelmed with fear so the Lord opened the door.  I cannot recall a time when I was as conflicted as I was at that moment. The time I spent with the Lord in the green pastures and drinking in His life filled me with a love for Him that cannot be expressed but at the same time must be expressed. Trusting and faithing seemed the only way to give voice to this love. I stepped through the door and the door closed. At that very moment it seemed to me that perfect fear had cast out love. I was now enveloped by fear whereas before I feared from a distance. With my back against the door, I slid down at sat paralyzed by fear.

The absence of light now illuminated all the darkness that was in me. I was sickened by my fallen condition. I cried out for my Lord but there was no answer. I longed for Him more than a drowning man longs for air, more than a starving child longs for food. The difference here was that in my condition, I was not sure that I would ever see Him again. I’m sure most of us have been hungry before. I’m sure some of us have been very hungry but not able to get food in a given period of time but I’m certain that no one who is reading this has been starving, with no hope of getting food. We throw around the phrase “I’m starving” when we are hungry without any understanding of what it means. We always have the ability to get food when we are hungry. We know there will be food. I don’t think any of us have been starving with no ability or opportunity to get food and not knowing if there will ever be food. Once the body gives up from weakness due to the lack of nourishment then the only way left to be fed would be if someone rescued you and brought you food. This was my condition in body, mind, spirit and emotion. I hungered for my Lord and did not know if He would return or how to find Him. I was slowly starving.

I could not move or even look up. I just sat there consumed by a suffering that was as relentless as it was merciless. This may have been days or weeks or months or years, there was no telling of time in this place because it was never over. With no reply from the Lord I started crying out for death but even death wanted no part of me as it enjoyed watching me suffer as much as it’s minion fear enjoyed inflicting it. I have never feared death, I have only feared this place and I pleaded for death hoping that it would bring relief of the suffering. I was now a slave on a slave ship eternally rowing and never reaching a destination. Rancid food and bitter water was given just to keep one barely alive. I would at times fall asleep at the oar and dream of the green pastures with my Lord only to be awakened by the masters whip of the reality of this tormented existence. 

I don’t know when it happened but there came a time when I started thinking of why the Lord would not only allow me to be in this place but to have actually led me to this place and why He wouldn't answer me or deliver me or comfort me. I began to think that I may be in hell. My logic and reasoning began to war with my faith and belief. My logic and reasoning are the product of my fallen, sinful, human nature and yet they dictated to me that this unending torture and the absence of light and the Lord abandoning me to this place was now my eternal dwelling place. My faith and belief would counter with my Lord’s words that He would never leave or forsake me. That He has gone away to prepare a place for me and would return for me. That if I want to be His; I must deny myself, take up my cross and follow Him. Thus, I must enter His suffering and be conformed to His death.

As the reality of the ever-present suffering juxtaposed against the fantasy like ethereal substance of my faith, warred against each other, I remembered the love I had for Him. I remembered that the only expression I could give to this love was my faith and trust in Him. I knew this love for Him was not my own as my love was only self serving and carnal. It was His own love imputed to me as we communed in the green pastures; that seemed like a lifetime ago. I was once again dismayed at how easily I was unable to express my love for Him by the simple act of looking at myself and my suffering. All I could see and feel was what was happening to me. I realized that I had subjected myself to this all of my life in my relationship with others. At that moment I realized that I was given a great honor to enter into His suffering and was given the opportunity to once again be conformed to His death. With each realization, I was gaining strength. Someone had come to rescue me. Someone had brought me food. It was faith, His faith, by trusting Him even in this place that was strengthening me. I was feeding on Christ. “I have food to eat that you do not know about” (John 4:32).

Faith was now a shield to deflect the lies of logic and reasoning that were used by the enemy to keep me blinded by fear. My belief was now tempered by trust, which cried out to the darkness with the language of light. This small, fragile flicker of light was given voice to proclaim that even if I were in hell then my Lord has sent me to the darkest place to proclaim Him and find others that may be in this darkness. But first I must find Him…here. There was a huge problem though. I was still paralyzed by fear. How would I find my Lord if I could not move? The little light given me would flicker on and off for many moons. I was still in desperate need. I remembered that I was still sitting with my back to the door that opened to my nothingness. Maybe I was hoping subconsciously that the door would open again and I could crawl back out to something. I was resolved to not do that or even to think of that because I had been here for so long that it would be foolishness to go back now. I was determined to stay here until the Lord had finished with His purpose in bringing me here in the first place. I would not leave this place until the Lord leads me from it.

It was then that my Lord came to me. When I saw Him, I ran to Him and clung to Him and would not let go. I was like a child. He lifted me in His arms and held me. I sunk my face into his chest and clung to Him and would not let go. I would not even lift my face from His chest so fearful that something would take me from Him. I wept as He held me and comforted me. No words were said. No words were needed. I continued to weep. He continued to comfort. This may have lasted for days, or weeks or months. There is no measure of time in places (or non places) such as these. The Lord’s patience was immeasurable. Not once did He attempt to get me to look up or to put me down. He just held me as long as I clung to Him.

Finally, I lifted my head from His chest and looked at Him. I saw my Father smiling at me with such love and patience that it caused me to weep more but now out of deep love for Him. Eventually I was able to look around but I still clung to the Lord. He had clothed His unapproachable Light so as to protect one who had been in so much darkness for so long; but Light still emanated from Him and I could see out in the distance. As far as I could see, there was nothing out there. I could sense that it was time for the Lord to put me down because He did.

Fear had lost its hold on me but the feelings of fear still remained. I was thinking that if the Lord left me here in the first place, He could always leave me again. I was not going to let go of Him and I now held on to His leg. I was not about to let go. I felt like a child who had been playing with his father all weekend and had the greatest time of his life but it was now Monday morning and the father had to leave for work but the child grabbed hold of his fathers leg and held on with all his might even as his father walked towards the door to leave. Now the child knows his father goes to work every day and the child knows that his father returns home each evening after work to be with the child but on this particular day the child cannot bear his father to leave, especially after the wonderful weekend they spent together. What if my father doesn't come home tonight? I will just hold on to his leg and will not let him leave or if he does leave, he will have to take me with him. This was my limited understanding as I clung to His leg. It was still based in fear and self interest instead of love and His will.

Many more crying moons would pass as I slowly started to venture away from the Lord. I never went to far and always within sight of Him. Although I could hear my tormentors in the distant darkness always calling out to me, they never ventured into the Light. I started realizing that I was safe in the Light and would venture further out to explore this dreadful place that I was in. I then started going to the edge of the Light but it seemed that the farther I went, there was always Light. I had now found out that there were no boundaries where the Light stopped and the darkness began. The Light both preceded me and followed me. The Light was in me. I was reflecting the Light of my Father. I started exploring deeper and deeper into the valley and I found that wherever I went in this valley, the darkness gave way to the Light. I now walked freely in this valley and I no longer feared any evil. My Father was with me. I fear no evil because He is with me. I know now that I can go anywhere in this valley and there will be Light because He is with me.  I do not wander aimlessly because His staff guides me as it comforts me. His rod has taught me obedience and I rejoice in His discipline (Hebrews 12:5-11).

I am now determined to remain in this valley until my Lord leads me out of it. I will not leave on my own until I have discovered all the treasures He has placed here for me to find. Upon this declaration, I awoke one day to find my Lord preparing a table for me in the presence of my evil tormentors. The table was the very altar that I had laid my life and all my desires on for Him to consume. He filled me with His Spirit as He anointed my head with oil and the cup of suffering that I was given to drink now overflowed with Living water.  My hunger was filled by His presence and the banquet or feast which He prepared, was that I was able to worship Him openly in the presence of my enemies. The feast was union with Him. The union was actualized in the act of worship and this all took place in this valley while my enemies who tried to keep me from Him were disarmed by the act of worship. The table has now become an altar where I have laid my body, my life and all my desires as a living sacrifice for Him to consume. The wonderful thing about this is the feast never ends as I continue worshiping Him in this dark, evil valley. His perfect love has cast out fear and I can now remain in this place as long as He desires because His perfect love has put that desire in me to love Him with the love that He loves me with.

He has now given me 2 mighty angels named Goodness and Mercy that follow me wherever I go in this valley. Even if I must spend the rest of my life in this place, they will be my companions for the Lord has shown me Goodness and Mercy. I know that my Lord has gone to prepare a place for me so that when He has finished in me what He has started, I will dwell with Him in His house forever.

As I write this, I am still in this valley. I do not like this valley. As a matter of fact, I hate this valley and want to leave it everyday. But I have also learned that this momentary, light affliction is producing an eternal weight of glory far beyond compare. I will not leave until He leads me out. I have also come to understand that this valley of the shadow of death is just that…a shadow. Death and its minions are everywhere in this valley but they have no authority over you any more than a shadow in the natural realm. The only power they yield is the power of fear and deception. You see the shadow and you fear the substance of the shadow but a shadow can only exist when there is light. A shadow is created when an object obstructs the path of light. Death has come between you and the Light, the Lord Jesus. We know the reality that death cannot harm us and Life has already conquered death. But death works in conjunction with fear. Fear is a world-ruling demon. Fear blinds us to the Light and creates the illusion that death is real so that we now fear death. Almost everyone who has ever lived has feared death. Even some believers fear death. This is why fear is a world-ruling demon and has great power. Although its power is an illusion and even death is seen as nothing when fear is removed.

Although this place has become a temporary home for me, I rejoice in the fact that I can remain here now until the Lord chooses to lead me out. He continues preparing me. We sometimes think that all the Lord prepares for us are delightful things but I can assure you, often He uses dreadful things to prepare you but if you overcome, your reward is great. Your reward is Him.